Guessing my last three spiders wish I'd known this trick.

Ouch, the 5am kettle betrayal is a rite of passage I guess. Honestly your setup sounds like a hostage situation, a whole pitcher of sad brown water waiting to punish you every morning. Wet cardboard is being generous, I'd say it's more like the smell of a basement. Here's the thing though, cold brew that sits all week starts to taste like fridge and regret no matter what ratio you use. Try 1 cup grounds to 4 cups water and drink it within 3 days, or just go back to hot coffee like a person with two working thumbs. Also maybe move the kettle away from the edge, just a thought from someone who has also lost a fight with breakfast.

Did the gasping breaths sound like a dying phone battery or more like a horror movie? A buddy of mine grabbed one of those cheap ones off a random site for like $60, and it worked fine for about two weeks until it started slipping into a British accent halfway through his sentences. He never figured out why, just one day the robot woke up and decided it was from London. The weird part was the accent only kicked in on words with the letter R, so half his video sounded like a pirate. He ended up scrapping the whole channel and doing voiceover himself with a pillow over his head to muffle the room echo.